Everyone knows if you walk on two feet, you’re essentially a boss. And by boss, I mean you run shit. Humans are a perfect example. We do what we want, when we want, and how we want. Yeah, we may have our own laws, but no other animal gets in our f*cking way. You know what I mean? If I’m driving, and there’s a deer in the way, I’m not switching lanes. Everyone knows that. I’m putting on my seatbelt and turning up the tunes so I don’t have to hear that thing squeal or listen to my thunderous acceleration. That’s the cardinal rule of walking on two feet. Don’t take nothin’ from nobody.
Anyway, a branch of the CIA, AIA (Animal Intelligence Agency) contacted us because of the following photo:
And to be honest, I am a little worried. These penguins are walking with such swagger, it hurts my stomach. Think about the significance of this photo. They saw that they were completely outnumbered….and they didn’t give a sh*t.
All I really have to say is that we can’t have multiple bosses on this planet and we can’t have multiple animals walking on two feet. Everyone knows you look way more badass on two feet than four feet (as the following two pictures show), and if animals start to realize this, I’m moving to the moon.
Hey little crying baby, you’re not cute and you know it.
Hypothetical situation: Little Tommy really wants a dog. He begs his parents every day, hoping above all else that when his dad comes home from work a little puppy will come along with him. He’ll name the puppy Scout. Or Skip. Or Spot. Tommy’s tenth birthday is fast approaching, and he’s got a feeling that this will be his year. He noticed that his mom picked up a chew toy the other day on her way home from grocery shopping. He starts telling his friends at school that he’s gonna have the most badass dog in the entire grade. Fucking Scout. The man.
Fast Forward to Tommy’s birthday. He wakes up early, runs down stairs, and eagerly waits for his parents to join him at the kitchen table for breakfast. His dad comes down first. He’s holding a small wrapped box. Tommy runs over to his dad, snatches the box out of his hands and unwraps it as fast as he can. Inside the box is none other than… a chew toy! Tommy is ecstatic. His parents are so creative. The chew toy clearly means he’s getting a dog. But where’s mom? A few minutes later, Tommy’s mom walks into the kitchen carrying her purse, which appears to have something alive inside of it.
Uh oh. Say it isn’t so. Smiling, she reaches into her purse, and hands Tommy a little dog the size of his hand. The best part, she tells him, is that this dog won’t even get much bigger! It will always be able to fit inside a purse! It’s wearing a bow. Tommy is horrified. He’s officially the owner of a “Fancy Dog” aka “Purse Dog” aka “Gay Dog.”
Gay dogs are growing in numbers, especially around heavily populated urban areas. The positive is that they can fit inside a purse. The negative is that they’re incredibly gay and obnoxious. Sorry Tommy, we really are.
We’ve all been there. A couple drinks deep, you still have your car keys. Your with your friends, and they all want to go back. Sure, you can drive, and you’ll probably make it back, but what if something bad happens? Well, in light of Help Your Community Week (which we are sponsoring) we are trying to track down these bandits:
According to witnesses, these three suspects left a downtown bar around 2am with another patron’s keys. They proceeded to recklessly swerve between lanes on the interstate highway, in total disregard of the speed limit. Even worse, they weren’t wearing seatbelts and were, as one witness said, “Ghostriding that shit.”
If you know of the whereabouts of this car or these three perpetrators, please leave a comment. $100 puppy cash for any information that will lead to an arrest and conviction.
Remember: cute animals can’t break the law either.
Colonel Sendar and Captain Whitcraft have been privately discussing some strictly confidential matters over the last few days. And after much thought, we’ve decided that now is the time to finally make the following news official: we have declared war on cats.
Yes, all cats, big and small, fat and skinny, black and white. There will be no survivors. We’ve got the weapons and fighter pets to achieve absolute and total victory. Every “family” that currently calls one of these terrorist delinquents its pet, has two choices: join our team, or, rather unfortunately (more like not unfortunately), you’re fucked.
We’re going to kill you. And to anybody who thought this blog was “cute” or “adorable” has been mistaken. We’re not. We’re fucking mean. And we hate cats.
To prove that we are serious and actually do mean business, we’ve included two recently taken photographic images of us ready for battle. With our dogs. Obviously.
Captain Whitcraft, Tuesday September 7 2010, 15:42, Afghanistan:
And Captain Sendar, Thursday September 9 2010, 16:28, Kuwait:
Okay, so some animals are cute (puppies!!), some are fuzzy (polar bears!!), some are scary (tigers!!), and some animals, well, just won’t take any bullshit. You know what I’m talking about. You leave your cat for the day and you come home, tired from work, looking to get a warm welcome and maybe a cuddle, and your cat strolls right by you, refuses to make eye contact, and basically is saying “where the hell have you been? you better make it up to me or it’s gonna be a long night.” What attitude! I bet your cat didn’t do ANYTHING all day but sleep and lounge anyway. It’s not like you really were wanted.
Well, check the jump, because, if you didn’t know this before, hippos are like cats because they don’t take anything from anybody.
P.S. $10 puppy dollars to anybody who posts stories about his/her encounter with animals that are just as grumpy as this guy.