Ah, the age old debate. Who gets more love, animals or babies? Which is cuter? Are we talking about baby animals vs. babies, or all animals vs. babies? I don’t know, nor do I think it matters. Stop being so specific. Animals or babies. Go.
Yeah, there’s a blizzard going on right now. Yeah, the blistering winds will crack your lips into a million pieces. Flights have been canceled, highways have been closed. Nobody wants to go outside, right? Right?? I mean, c’mon unless you’re going to cruise in your 4-wheel drive Range Rover with your seat warmers set on high and coffee in hand, you’re getting nowhere.
But you know what? Drop that “I hate snow” mentality. Put chains on your car’s wheels. Get that shovel out, and start making snow men. Hey, make a snow family. Go sledding. But, don’t, and I mean don’t bring your dog outside unless you want to be embarrassed. Why’s that?
Words aren’t even needed to explain why this is embarrassing. A picture is worth a thousand words, but that snow-dog replica might rake you in a couple hundred thousand on eBay. That is a perfect snow dog. I mean, if I spin in circles and then look at the photo quickly, I can’t tell which one is real and which one isn’t. Has that ever happened with a snowman? Have you ever stepped outside and greeted your neighbor’s snowman, to only realize later what a fool you were? Or have you ever called the cops because someone was “watching you” from outside, only to be cited for a false report about a snowman? The answer is a straight-up NO. But with this Picasso-esque masterpiece above, I can see myself yelling at that snowdog for hours for not fetching this morning’s paper. I’d probably go insane.
That’s right. This isn’t some conspiracy video that’s edited and uses weird camera angles and references graphs that don’t have numbers. No. Those dogs are sledding without sleds. What’s worse? They are dominating those slopes and are having more fun than humanely possible. I may have crossed a line there, saying humanely, but that’s my whole point.
Dogs have mastered snow. Snow has mastered us.
If you read our critically acclaimed post “Euthanasia — When is it wrong? Is it ever right?“, then you know the story about Max a.k.a. The Grinch. And if you haven’t had the chance, read it now because…
Max was given away to a farm. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or wish him bad luck.
But truth be told, I would have wished him good luck because I feel bad for the fellow. Max, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and call me.
Here are two of the most notable “highlights” from this year in sports:
1. The Lakers Win the 2010 NBA Championship-– So this series went 7 games, featured six future hall-of-famers (Pierce, Garnet, Allen, Rondo, Kobe, Pau) and ended in dramatic fashion. So why did it still suck? Uhhh, maybe because its already happened so many times stupid. Think about it. In 2008 the NBA finals was between…… you guessed it, the Laker and Celtics! In fact, they’ve played each other 12 freaking times in the finals already! Been there done that. Next.
2. Brett Favre– There’s a lot to be said about him, and its all pretty depressing. Unretires at 41, starts the season 2-6, gets in a fight with his coach, breaks his foot, plays with broken foot and sucks, unites with Randy Moss and sucks, hurts his shoulder and sucks, ends consecutive starts streak at 297 games, and oh yeah, gets caught sending naked pictures of himself to a reporter. Hard to tell where this ones heading. Pain killer addiction? Already happened, sorry. Next.
Ok so as you can see, this hasn’t been a good year for sports. Until yesterday that is. What happened yesterday you ask? Brace yourselves for this one. Ready? Ok.
Michael Vick wants a Puppy
It’s sort of like somebody who’s got a drug problem, goes to rehab, comes out of rehab, and then says something like this:
“I, uh, think it would be good for my, err, daughters. Yeah. My daughters, to ummm– get a little cocaine. I mean I just feel bad that, because of me–cocaine can’t be in the house, and, uh, I mean, its– for my daughter.” Right. That’s totally believable.
Michael Vick made similar comments to reporters this week.
“My daughters miss having one, and that’s the hardest thing: Telling them that we can’t have one because of my actions.”
So, what kind of dog should Michael Vick choose to
fight play with? A few come to mind:
1. The Golden Retriever:
The golden standard of dogs, they are easy to train (you know what that means), happy all the time, and essential for anybody trying to kinda “just fit in.” Michael Vick could be exactly like this guy, having a great time being an average, happy dude:
2. The Basset Hound:
These guys simply don’t give a shit. Vick could fight them all he wants; they’d still act the same and would never report him to authorities. Plus, who would ever suspect Vick of fighting Basset Hounds? Don’t get me wrong, he’d do it. But nobody would know.
3. The cat-dog:
This one’s interesting. You see, Vick’s probation prevents him from owning a dog. But it says nothing about cat-dogs. Vick could technically get a cat-dog and do whatever he wants with it. Could be a winner.
Or Vick could say fuck it and get a pit bull. Done and done.
So, what kind of dog should Michael Vick get? Leave a comment, let us know.
It comes a time when either your pet is terminally ill or just is that bad of a pet that death is imminent and, ultimately, beneficial both to that thing and to society. While some people might give “dog euthanasia” a bad rap — yeah, you ASPCA — it gets the deal done. Smack. Done Deal. Ipso Facto. No Return Policy. You’re dog’s sick? Zip, he’s gone. You want another dog? Great! Your dog bit your neighbor’s child? Zip, where’d he go? Wait, it’s debatable if your dog actually did that? That’s too bad, it’s too late.
At What The Pup Is Up, we do not support euthanasia under any circumstance but one…which is when you are saving yourself from –bless me–the devil of dogs. Now, we all know exorcism and the devil residing in human bodies is just plain ludicrous. Nobody really believes “The Exorcist,” everyone’s just scared as shit by it. But, needless to say, there is a devil of dogs. You see, my dog Max, started out like this:
Cute, cuddly, hungry, eager for treats, poorly balanced, submissive. In two words, Max was “silly putty.” You could pick him up and he would melt, and then you could mold him into any position possible. However, after poor training and several rehab programs, he is the equivalence of this:
I’m sorry, but that’s about .09% less than an exaggeration. It’s abusrd. My dog is a blatant Kim-Jong-II of familyville. He barks and snaps when I get food, when I purposely fake to get food and then turn away, when I go in his “area”, when I fake to go in his area and then get a cup out of the cupboard. Max is on his asshole game. Max lives in “The Office” –supposed to be our office, but what do you know!, it’ his–and I can’t print a sheet of paper without already knowing where the closest pen or knife is to the computer station where Max lives. Scared for my life.
So, we put it to our faithful readers….
Should we put Max down? Answer via the comment area.
If we get zero comments, Max will die.
Do you believe in God? If so, which one? Zeus? Allah? Aphrodite? Moses? Plain old God? That’s a lot of questions to wrap your mind around, but the point is this: humans believe in a whole bunch of Gods. Luckily dogs only believe in one. And his name is DMX.
DMX, also known as “Dog Man X,” was not always the God of dogs. In fact, “Dog Man” wasn’t even his name at birth. He was born Earl Simmons. Weak, I know. It wasn’t until he decided to become a rapper (think singer without actually singing) that the transformation began.
The Dog God usually starts his songs with a growl. It gets the creative juices flowing and reminds him that yes, he is in fact half dog. Here’s a video sample our field researchers managed to grab. Fascinating stuff:
Uh oh. Dog God Angry. And if you needed any more evidence, watch this next video. Its a little long (five minutes, give me a break), but the ending is worth it. He tends to speak in the third person, but wouldn’t you do the same?
“The truth only means something, if the person listening understands it.” I didn’t know that. Thank you DMX.
Who is Beethoven? Well, for starters, he was born in Bonn, Germany in 1770. From a young age he appreciated music, and he worked diligently to become perhaps the greatest pianist of all time. By 1800 Beethoven had mastered what he considered the two pinnacles of music : the string quartet and the symphony.
While he was strongly influenced by older pianists such as Mozart, Haydn, and Muzio Clementi, Beethoven’s sound was unique in the best of ways. Rather tragically, he began to lose his hearing in 1796, and by 1803 was completely deaf. This did not stop Beethoven from writing music, although it did make it difficult for him to perform in front of a live audience. Beethoven died on March 26th, 1827 from liver failure. While many at the time considered his death to be the end of Beethoven, history has proven it to only be the beginning. Confused? Read on.
In 1992 photographed images of Beethoven began to surface. At first there were skeptics. Hadn’t he died 175 years earlier? Was this some sort of sick joke? Well, it turns out Beethoven never died. Rather, he became a Saint Bernard and decided to star in his own movie. Here’s the proof if you’re too young to remember:
No longer interested in piano, Beethoven spent most of his time eating and playing with his family. He was a large dog and had a huge appetite for both food and fun. After a successful yet incredibly stressful career as a world class composer and musical genius, he decided it was time to take it easy. Who can blame him?
His movie was so successful that it was followed by five sequels. And despite Saint Bernards’ average life expectancy of only 9-11 years, at the age of 238 (1,665 in dog years) Beethoven starred in 2008’s award-winning straight to DVD film Beethoven’s Big Break:
Do you see what I see? Beethoven had Puppies!!