Mans Best Friend? Try Worst Enemy.


So you’re “chilling” with your friends, whipping around in your car, listening to great music, and having a fantastic time.  Yeah, its 2 in the morning, the music is loud, the windows are down, and you may or may not be driving 15 miles over the speed limit.  Who cares?  Well, the car behind you certainly does.  You peer into the rear-view mirror after hearing “the sound of the police” and notice the dreaded flashing blue lights.  Uh oh.

You tentatively pull over the vehicle, turn down the music (not all the way, you’re not that respectful), and wait for the officer (pig) to waddle over to your window.

“Is there a problem officer?”  you ask sweetly.

“Your car smells like marijuana.  You been smoking drugs in here?”

Uuuh, actually you weren’t, and it sure as hell doesn’t smell like marijuana.  In fact, you were driving a few friends home after a night volunteering at the local homeless shelter.

“No officer, we haven’t.”

He smirks, lectures you on how you were driving over the speed limit with music blasting at 2 in the morning, and then pulls out his radio:

“This is officer 12A435 B Alpha, I’m at lattitute 120 longitude 40, and I’m gonna need some serious backup…. Yeah, some punks were smoking pot in their dad’s BMW and they’re not admitting shit…. Send in the K-9 unit.”

Really?  The K-9?  Its not even a BMW.  Try Honda Civic you asshole.

15 minutes later, another squad car pulls up.  But this one’s different.  A huge German Shepard turns off the engine and hops out of the front seat.

Its the K-9’s, and they’re looking for trouble:

Before you know it, three more dogs get out of the squad car.  One’s even holding a gun (how is that even possible?).  The biggest of the bunch punches through your window (he has fists) and tells you to “get the fuck out of the car.”  A talking dog?  You’d think if a dog could talk that it would say something nice.  Not these dogs.  Scared shitless, you get out, and they jump at you frantically.  Dumbfounded, you beg them to “sit” or “fetch” or “heel.”  They laugh in your face, and one says to the other:

“This dumbass thinks we’re pets.”

“Hah, I bet he thinks I’m a fucking golden retriever.  Guess again dipshit, we’re K9’s and we don’t take any crap.”

“Hey, watch this,” says another.  He pulls out a chocolate bar from his pocket, looks at me, and says “Sit, bitch.”

Feeling completely worthless, you get on your knees, and the dog tosses you the chocolate.

They then proceed to tear off your clothes, take your wallet, break each of your car’s windows, slit all four tires, and steal your radio.

“No pot in this car,” the head k9 tells the officer.  He whips out a cig, takes a few drags and puts it out on your forehead.  “Let’s get on our way.”

Total Asshole