Criminal Mastermind(?): debunking something that never needed to be debunked

Okay, so the slant, in its typical, not-funny, not-cool, who-reads-the-slant-anyway, kinda way dropped a BOMB on its front page:

Seriously? I have three problems with your article, and I didn’t even get past the picture.

1) That is NOT a puppy. People who call dogs “puppies” embarrass me.  I mean, when I hear “Puppy!”, I drop everything I got, turn around, sprint/run, whatever is needed. And you know what happens? I end up seeing this “puppy”…a massive, full-grown, barely-able-to-walk-it’s-so-old german shepherd. It’s English 101. If there are three things I learned in elementary school, it’s: 1) Don’t cry wolf 2) Don’t ask a fat woman if she’s pregnant, and 3) Don’t call a dog a “puppy.”

2) That dog is NOT adorable. Do you not have any standards? Are all babies cute?

3) Criminal Mastermind…a dog? Have you ever seen a guilty dog?? Are you human? Does a computer write the slant or something?? Did Cats vs. Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore go straight to your head? Everybody knows the dogs in that movie used stunt doubles.

I mean, c’mon. Yes, I’ll admit that dogs can be criminals…but nobody can safely argue that they have the intellectual capacity to be masterminds or the resolve to go all “Poker Face” on you when they get caught in the wrong.

Exhibit A-Z: 

Hah. Silly dog. This is what I would call the classic “walk of shame” for dogs. Snoopin’ around, looking for something to chew…then all of a sudden, they get into the trash, and come running to their owners whining, begging for forgiveness.

Mastermind? No. Criminal? Maaaaaaybe.