The best thing about dogs is the fact that they almost NEVER really know what’s going on…like, you could jingle your car keys, and your pup will go all nuts to get in the car, bully its way into the front seat, have its face shoved back into the back seat, only to see it climb back over once you start driving to go who knows where. Or you could open up any bag of food — I’m talking brussel sprouts, stale cereal, poison ivy — and your dog will cramp your spot, sniff your lap, and hop all over you, just trying to appease the nose, ya know?
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, you’re probably a cat person. And if you’re a cat person, you probably haven’t seen your cat in a week because she’s off doing her own thing without you. And if you haven’t seen your cat in a week…well, what’s new? How about you get a dog.
Anywho, here’s further evidence why dogs > 1,000,000 > 0 > -1,000,000 > cats <= anything divided by zero…
Clueless Type #1: “I don’t even know what I’m doing that’s so great”
The most candid type of cluelessness. Clearly the dog just chose a random spot to, ya know, take a breather (look at the tongue…), but boom! now he’s going viral. Like, is that not the best photo ever? Do you think the pup has remotely any idea what he’s doing? Nope. But he’s killing it and he doesn’t know why.
Clueless Type #2: “Did you get that? Cause I didn’t”
This happens when you’re taking a casual saturday at home with your pup, and your wife/girlfriend comes home freaking out about how you’ve done nothing all day and creates an instantly hostile environment. Pup’s like, “What is she talking about? Didn’t we just crush seven episodes of Game of Thrones, a couple of dog biscuits, maybe five or six belly rubs, and some pizza?” Yeah, yeah we did…I don’t get it either, episode 8…let’s go.
Clueless Type #3: “I don’t fully understand human-made things”
I don’t really know what to say here… I know what the pup is trying to do, he’s trying to kick back and watch a movie like I normally do. But, cmon? Not only are you using the ottomon for your wrong two legs, but you’re sitting so close to the TV you’re in everyone’s way.
Clueless Type #4: “Art? I just don’t get it.”
It’s kinda like when you walk into a modern art museum and you see a couple paint splashes by some dead guy, and you’re like “that’s worth how many millions?” Dogs just don’t understand art… Like, where’s the other half of the dog? I don’t know man, and I can’t tell you what it symbolizes, but it’s definitely deep.
Clueless Type #5: “There used to be a door there, right?
I’d chalk this up to believing in the Tooth Fairy, and then being told he doesn”t actually exist. You’re saying mom snuck into my room and placed money under my pillow while I was asleep? 1) Thank you, and 2) !@#$ you. The Tooth Fairy was awesome, especially because as the older I got, and realized the different values of money, I kept getting more. But now that the Tooth Fairy is gone (screen door), it’s like learning to walk again. Do I still try to pull out my teeth?
Okay, so that’s it. Dog’s are awesome cause they almost never fully get what’s going on… but wait, they’re ALSO awesome when they rarely know what’s going on.
Type #1 “I know everything that you know… and I’m not budging.”
When dogs realize things on the level of humans, they’re like rebellious teenagers trying to express themselves. They’re like: do you have cameras in the house? No. Was anybody home? No. Prove it was me. Honestly, some other dog came into the house while I was napping and pooped there, and when I woke up, it was already on the floor. Don’t believe me? Take me to court.
Type #2 “I’m making power moves…and taking things into my own paws.”
Classic. What’s better than an outdoor pool? How about an indoor pool right next to my doggy bed and dog food! That’s what I’m talking about. Living like a king. From now on, I’m only going outside to poop, and heck, I might not even go outside to do that.