Dogvestments 101 with Matthew Oliver
After receiving countless emails asking “Are you guys always free…it seems like you always have time for fetch?” or “What the pup!? Can you really afford to have 10 brands of gourmet doggie treats…are you sponsored or something?” or “Don’t you get bored having sooo many doggie toys?” or, my personal favorite, “Do you really have three vacation dog-houses…one in the city, one in the mountains, and an RV dog-house?”
Our response is usually, “Yes, Yes, No, and actually we have a fourth house in the Bahamas.
So how do we do it? It’s simple: Dogvestments. And today, we’re going to give you a little inside scoop of what we typically consider stable investments, other products we like to short, and ideas we’d like to fund.
Our stable investments are recession proof because, well, dogs don’t invest poorly and cause bisquit crises. We’ve seen a bunch of overleveraged cats back in the day, and while we liked seeing them in financial trouble, we don’t want to be in the same position.
1) Diversification — You gotta diversify everything. I’m talking dog treats, dog toys, where you poop, what you sniff, how you greet other dogs, where you sleep, where you shed. Everything. You never know what’s gonna boom and pay dividends, so you really gotta just invest everywhere. Just a thought, but on your next walk, instead of marking your spot in just one place, how about you pinch the seal a couple times and pee in several spots? Yeah, the short term might not be so pleasant, but if you’re trying to be top-dog, you gotta diversify your spots because real-estate these days is a crapshoot.
2) Dog Treats — Have you ever seen a dog NOT get excited when someone ruffles a bag of dog treats, or opens the cupboard which merely has the drawer inside that holds the ziplock bag that holds the actual bag that holds the dog treats? I’m telling you, pup, dog treats aren’t going anywhere. Dogs go woofing crazy about dog treats, and that’s never going to change…unless of course, we start getting fed human food all the time, but that’s a win-win. (And remember, anything with bacon.)
3) The Buddies Movies — I’m telling you, Disney hit a grand slam signing B-Dawg, Rosebud, Bud-Dha, MudBud, and Budderball to multi-year dog contracts. These movies are off-the-leash, they’re so good, and the pups are so full of personality and ready for adventure, I’d willingly go to the vet just to be guaranteed a Saturday watching these movies.
1) Leashes, shock fences, and rectal depository drugs — I sniff several alternatives to the current products on the market. You know, when my owner gets a shock fence, I’m like, “Why don’t you just get me a bigger yard? Like, then we won’t have any problems. cah-peesh?” And, c’mon, is that really how you’re gonna give me medicine? You’re saying that you get chewable gummie vitamins that taste like candy and I absolutely have to have rectal despository drugs because that’s the only way I’ll take medicine? You don’t think I’d eat medicine wrapped in bacon or peanut butter? Heck, I’d probably overdose.
2) Milk, Meow Mix, Tony the Tiger, & Litterboxes — Pop quiz! What do catastrophe, suffocate, intoxicate, complicated, and unsophisticated have in common?? Well, they’re all pretty negative words and they just so happen to have C-A-T in them. Coincidence? I think not. It just doesn’t make sense to invest in products that cater to cats, because as ev-dog-lution has shown, it’s survival of the fittest, and cats’ days are numbered.
Things We’d Like to See:
1) The never-catchable tennis ball
2) Fetch.com — Match.com for Dogs
3) Cute Roulette without cat videos
4) the dPad
5) Bite the Mailman App
6) Find my MailMan, Find my Bone, & Find My Treats
8) All Dogs Go to Heaven 3: But Cats Don’t