The other day, my family’s dog, Bear, was “playing” outside in our fenced-in backyard. Our gardener was scheduled to come by at any moment, and he’s petrified of dogs (pathetic, I know). His truck pulled up into our driveway, and Bear, to nobody’s surprise, started barking at him. The gardener refused to get out of his truck, as long as Bear was barking at him.
I’ve tried telling the gardener in the past that Bear is not interested in eating humans, and that he’s only trying to say hello but he never believes me. I vaguely remember him telling me that his brother was eaten by a dog when he was younger. That explains a lot.
Anyway, there was obviously a problem. The gardener needed to open the gate to the backyard so he could garden, but his deep-seeded fear of my dog prevented him from doing so.
I needed to get Bear into the house.
Phase 1: This is Obvious
I opened the door to the backyard, and called Bear’s name. He didn’t even turn his head, just continued barking at the gardener. I called his name with a more “enthusiastic” tone, one that I’m sure is very familiar to all dog-owners. It’s sort of that same tone girls use when they talk to babys, but with a little more “oomph.” Still nothing.
Bear is a stubborn dog. At nine years old he pretty much just does what he wants. For all I know, he’s forgotten his name, because he never seems to give a damn when I call it. I’d have to be a lot more clever.
Phase 2: The Biscuit Trick
There are many “tricks” involving biscuits. For example, there’s this one:
And then there’s mine, which is basically tricking my dog into doing what I want it to do by offering it a biscuit.
“Bear, do you want a Biscuit?”
My other dog, Ralph, who was upstairs at the time of my announcement, of course came racing down the stairs to claim a biscuit of his own. But not Bear. He looked at me for a second, and then I’m pretty sure he shook his head in disgust before focussing his attention back to the gardener.
Phase 3: W-A-L-K
Alright, so Bear wasn’t buying the biscuit trick. But if there was one thing I knew Bear loved, it was walks. In the past, you could say the word “walk” at any time of the day, and Bear would pop up next to you wagging his tail, ready to go. Even if Bear were already on a walk at the time of your announcement, he would be down to leave his current walk and begin a new one.
It had been a few years since I used this particular tactic, but I decided to give it a go. I retrieved his leash from the closet, and headed over to him outside.
“Who wants to go for a WALK??” I asked, standing between the back door and Bear.
He was finally intrigued. The barking paused as he considered my offer. His tail was wagging. I slowly approached him, holding out the leash in front of me. I even decided that I would actually take him for a walk once he came inside. The gardener, noticing that Bear had stopped barking and was walking towards me, decided it was safe to come out of his car.
As soon as the gardener stepped foot onto our driveway, Bear changed his mind, and went right back to barking, jumping up and down with more intensity than before.
I had one more idea.
Phase Four: Give Up
I opened the gate, and Bear ate the gardener.
Let’s be honest. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical, Cats, is the worst “entertainment” spectacle in the history of the universe. The absolute worst. My eight year old cousin recently played a minor part in his elementary school’s rendition of “Big Mama’s House 3”, and it was significantly better than Cats. For starters, Cats was written by this guy:
I could have stopped there and you would get the point. But there’s more. It really boils down to a simple a question: Why do cats, earth’s most despicable species, have their own musical? The answer: I have no idea.
Warning: the following video may ruin your day. Proceed at your own risk:
And now to un-ruin your day, Bentley the Bulldog (shout out to Ryan “Big Country” Lee):
Dogvestments 101 with Matthew Oliver
After receiving countless emails asking “Are you guys always free…it seems like you always have time for fetch?” or “What the pup!? Can you really afford to have 10 brands of gourmet doggie treats…are you sponsored or something?” or “Don’t you get bored having sooo many doggie toys?” or, my personal favorite, “Do you really have three vacation dog-houses…one in the city, one in the mountains, and an RV dog-house?”
Our response is usually, “Yes, Yes, No, and actually we have a fourth house in the Bahamas.
So how do we do it? It’s simple: Dogvestments. And today, we’re going to give you a little inside scoop of what we typically consider stable investments, other products we like to short, and ideas we’d like to fund.
Our stable investments are recession proof because, well, dogs don’t invest poorly and cause bisquit crises. We’ve seen a bunch of overleveraged cats back in the day, and while we liked seeing them in financial trouble, we don’t want to be in the same position.
1) Diversification — You gotta diversify everything. I’m talking dog treats, dog toys, where you poop, what you sniff, how you greet other dogs, where you sleep, where you shed. Everything. You never know what’s gonna boom and pay dividends, so you really gotta just invest everywhere. Just a thought, but on your next walk, instead of marking your spot in just one place, how about you pinch the seal a couple times and pee in several spots? Yeah, the short term might not be so pleasant, but if you’re trying to be top-dog, you gotta diversify your spots because real-estate these days is a crapshoot.
2) Dog Treats — Have you ever seen a dog NOT get excited when someone ruffles a bag of dog treats, or opens the cupboard which merely has the drawer inside that holds the ziplock bag that holds the actual bag that holds the dog treats? I’m telling you, pup, dog treats aren’t going anywhere. Dogs go woofing crazy about dog treats, and that’s never going to change…unless of course, we start getting fed human food all the time, but that’s a win-win. (And remember, anything with bacon.)
3) The Buddies Movies — I’m telling you, Disney hit a grand slam signing B-Dawg, Rosebud, Bud-Dha, MudBud, and Budderball to multi-year dog contracts. These movies are off-the-leash, they’re so good, and the pups are so full of personality and ready for adventure, I’d willingly go to the vet just to be guaranteed a Saturday watching these movies.
1) Leashes, shock fences, and rectal depository drugs — I sniff several alternatives to the current products on the market. You know, when my owner gets a shock fence, I’m like, “Why don’t you just get me a bigger yard? Like, then we won’t have any problems. cah-peesh?” And, c’mon, is that really how you’re gonna give me medicine? You’re saying that you get chewable gummie vitamins that taste like candy and I absolutely have to have rectal despository drugs because that’s the only way I’ll take medicine? You don’t think I’d eat medicine wrapped in bacon or peanut butter? Heck, I’d probably overdose.
2) Milk, Meow Mix, Tony the Tiger, & Litterboxes — Pop quiz! What do catastrophe, suffocate, intoxicate, complicated, and unsophisticated have in common?? Well, they’re all pretty negative words and they just so happen to have C-A-T in them. Coincidence? I think not. It just doesn’t make sense to invest in products that cater to cats, because as ev-dog-lution has shown, it’s survival of the fittest, and cats’ days are numbered.
Things We’d Like to See:
1) The never-catchable tennis ball
2) Fetch.com — Match.com for Dogs
3) Cute Roulette without cat videos
4) the dPad
5) Bite the Mailman App
6) Find my MailMan, Find my Bone, & Find My Treats
8) All Dogs Go to Heaven 3: But Cats Don’t
The best thing about dogs is the fact that they almost NEVER really know what’s going on…like, you could jingle your car keys, and your pup will go all nuts to get in the car, bully its way into the front seat, have its face shoved back into the back seat, only to see it climb back over once you start driving to go who knows where. Or you could open up any bag of food — I’m talking brussel sprouts, stale cereal, poison ivy — and your dog will cramp your spot, sniff your lap, and hop all over you, just trying to appease the nose, ya know?
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, you’re probably a cat person. And if you’re a cat person, you probably haven’t seen your cat in a week because she’s off doing her own thing without you. And if you haven’t seen your cat in a week…well, what’s new? How about you get a dog.
Anywho, here’s further evidence why dogs > 1,000,000 > 0 > -1,000,000 > cats <= anything divided by zero…
Clueless Type #1: “I don’t even know what I’m doing that’s so great”
The most candid type of cluelessness. Clearly the dog just chose a random spot to, ya know, take a breather (look at the tongue…), but boom! now he’s going viral. Like, is that not the best photo ever? Do you think the pup has remotely any idea what he’s doing? Nope. But he’s killing it and he doesn’t know why.
Clueless Type #2: “Did you get that? Cause I didn’t”
This happens when you’re taking a casual saturday at home with your pup, and your wife/girlfriend comes home freaking out about how you’ve done nothing all day and creates an instantly hostile environment. Pup’s like, “What is she talking about? Didn’t we just crush seven episodes of Game of Thrones, a couple of dog biscuits, maybe five or six belly rubs, and some pizza?” Yeah, yeah we did…I don’t get it either, episode 8…let’s go.
Clueless Type #3: “I don’t fully understand human-made things”
I don’t really know what to say here… I know what the pup is trying to do, he’s trying to kick back and watch a movie like I normally do. But, cmon? Not only are you using the ottomon for your wrong two legs, but you’re sitting so close to the TV you’re in everyone’s way.
Clueless Type #4: “Art? I just don’t get it.”
It’s kinda like when you walk into a modern art museum and you see a couple paint splashes by some dead guy, and you’re like “that’s worth how many millions?” Dogs just don’t understand art… Like, where’s the other half of the dog? I don’t know man, and I can’t tell you what it symbolizes, but it’s definitely deep.
Clueless Type #5: “There used to be a door there, right?
I’d chalk this up to believing in the Tooth Fairy, and then being told he doesn”t actually exist. You’re saying mom snuck into my room and placed money under my pillow while I was asleep? 1) Thank you, and 2) !@#$ you. The Tooth Fairy was awesome, especially because as the older I got, and realized the different values of money, I kept getting more. But now that the Tooth Fairy is gone (screen door), it’s like learning to walk again. Do I still try to pull out my teeth?
Okay, so that’s it. Dog’s are awesome cause they almost never fully get what’s going on… but wait, they’re ALSO awesome when they rarely know what’s going on.
Type #1 “I know everything that you know… and I’m not budging.”
When dogs realize things on the level of humans, they’re like rebellious teenagers trying to express themselves. They’re like: do you have cameras in the house? No. Was anybody home? No. Prove it was me. Honestly, some other dog came into the house while I was napping and pooped there, and when I woke up, it was already on the floor. Don’t believe me? Take me to court.
Type #2 “I’m making power moves…and taking things into my own paws.”
Classic. What’s better than an outdoor pool? How about an indoor pool right next to my doggy bed and dog food! That’s what I’m talking about. Living like a king. From now on, I’m only going outside to poop, and heck, I might not even go outside to do that.
The weather was beautiful this morning, so I decided to eat breakfast outside. I went to a little cafe, and ordered the usual: iced coffee, two eggs over easy, and a 14 oz, dry-aged, New York strip steak. As I was reading my newspaper, I felt something bump into me, and nearly spilled my coffee. “Hey man, watch out!” I said, putting my newspaper down and making eye-contact with the perpetrator.
And then I felt dumb. You see, turns out the dude that bumped in to me wasn’t actually a dude at all. It was a Bernese Mountain Dog strolling through the cafe, stopping at every table, simply to say whattup. I gave him a few pieces of steak, patted him on the head, and sent him on his way.
You may be asking yourself, “why was a dog just cruising through a cafe? Where was his owner?” The answer is simple. Some dogs just do what they want, when they want. If they want to get food at a cafe, they go to a freaking cafe. If they want to go to the park to sniff butts with other dogs, they don’t hesitate. They just do it. The reason why: no leash.
There are two kinds of dog-owners. The first is the I-am-going-to-enjoy-myself-at-the-expense-of-my-dog-because-I-am-a-terrible-person owner:
This owner is the worst. All that dog wants is to play in those leafs, but his owner gets some sort of sick high off of not allowing it. That’s why she’s walking the dog so close to that pile. Also take note of the fact that she’s got the leash rolled up to the point where the dog probably thinks he can reach the leaves. But he can’t. Not on her watch.
But then there’s the other kind of owner, who’s super chill and and never bothers to use a leash. He’s got the doggy door in his garage, and just lets his dog do whatever he wants.
“I’m tired. Oh perfect, a bench. Might as well post up here for a couple hours. Then I think I’ll go to a movie. Air Bud.”
You ever visit your friend’s house and he or she says something along the lines of, “Oh my gosh, you gotta see the puppy!” You become excited. Puppy? What a great turn of events! This night won’t be so shitty after all! “I didn’t know you got a new puppy!” Your friend looks at you with the same kind of blank stare your girlfriend makes when you talk to her about the NBA Collective Bargaining Agreement. A few moments later, Keaton, the 14 year old mutt your friend’s family rescued when you were in middle school, limps into the room. “Oh. Hi Keaton.” You avoid making contact with his matted, stained coat. “So, uh, where’s the new pup?” But before your friend can respond, it hits you. Damnit, tricked again.
This is but one example of an alarming trend among today’s pet owners: referring to old-ass dogs as puppies. The dictionary refers to a puppy as:
“Es ist ein langer Weg, bis endlich der langersehnte Whippet ins Haus kommt. Viele Whippetinteressenten gehen inzwischen den besten Weg.”
Whats that, you don’t speak German? Oh well. I’m going to assume most people already know the definition of “puppy” anyway.
But the next time you witness somebody calling their dog a puppy, do some simple math in your head, and politely tell them that their “puppy” is actually the equivalent of a 105 year- old person. Or, just to be safe, keep a reference photo in your wallet with you at all times. If their dog doesn’t look like this…
… then it’s probably not a puppy.