How to Interact with Dogs (If You’re a Baby)


This video is necessary viewing for any baby with a dog.  In other words, If you’re a baby, and you have a dog, and you hate cats, watch this video.  You will learn a lot:

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Criminal Mastermind(?): debunking something that never needed to be debunked


Okay, so the slant, in its typical, not-funny, not-cool, who-reads-the-slant-anyway, kinda way dropped a BOMB on its front page:

Seriously? I have three problems with your article, and I didn’t even get past the picture.

1) That is NOT a puppy. People who call dogs “puppies” embarrass me.  I mean, when I hear “Puppy!”, I drop everything I got, turn around, sprint/run, whatever is needed. And you know what happens? I end up seeing this “puppy”…a massive, full-grown, barely-able-to-walk-it’s-so-old german shepherd. It’s English 101. If there are three things I learned in elementary school, it’s: 1) Don’t cry wolf 2) Don’t ask a fat woman if she’s pregnant, and 3) Don’t call a dog a “puppy.”

2) That dog is NOT adorable. Do you not have any standards? Are all babies cute?

3) Criminal Mastermind…a dog? Have you ever seen a guilty dog?? Are you human? Does a computer write the slant or something?? Did Cats vs. Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore go straight to your head? Everybody knows the dogs in that movie used stunt doubles.

I mean, c’mon. Yes, I’ll admit that dogs can be criminals…but nobody can safely argue that they have the intellectual capacity to be masterminds or the resolve to go all “Poker Face” on you when they get caught in the wrong.

Exhibit A-Z: 

Hah. Silly dog. This is what I would call the classic “walk of shame” for dogs. Snoopin’ around, looking for something to chew…then all of a sudden, they get into the trash, and come running to their owners whining, begging for forgiveness.

Mastermind? No. Criminal? Maaaaaaybe.

Fall Movie Preview!


It sure is good to be back.  To kick things off we’ve decided to share with you a few of the top flicks coming out over the next few months.  After all, its officially Fall, which means this year’s best films are around the corner.

1.  Spooky Buddies

Good News!  I guess Disney felt that this comedy was simply too cute for theaters, since its heading straight to DVD.  For those not in “the know,”  Spooky Buddies is the highly anticipated sequel to Space Buddies, which landed on DVD a few years back.  The premise is simple:  Rosebud, Butterballs, Buddha, B-Dog, and Muddbud are reunited for (another) adventure of a lifetime!

2. Dolphin’s Tail

This one’s been getting a ton of buzz from critics.  It stars Red (yeah, the one from Shawkshank Redemption), who after escaping prison, falls in love with a dolphin.  The catch is that this Dolphin has no tail (Oh NO!).  Luckily, Red approaches a “legal” doctor in Mexico who is able to construct a prosthetic tail for the dolphin.  Which is exactly why the movie is called Dolphin’s Tail.  It’s a movie about a tail (and not a tale about a dolphin).  Remember that.

3. Marley and Me: The Puppy Years

Here’s another one too good for theaters.  I’m sure many of you have seen the original Marley and Me with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston.  I’ve yet to see this sequel, but based off of the trailer, it appears as though Marley has developed the ability to speak.  I find this fascinating.

4. A Michael Vick highlight reel (FoR All Da HaTerZ):

Knicks Consult Veteran Dog on How to Draft Potential Big Men


Jordan Hill, Renaldo Balkman, Mardy Collins, Frederic Weis…the list goes on. The Knicks have had trouble drafting in recent years and could really use a budding big man.  Yeah, we can blame Isiah Thomas, and we have a right to. Heck, I blame him for just about everything that happened in my life over the last five years. But that only goes so far, and I still find myself crying at night.  Anyway, this is our season, and the next five years will become our dynasty. But for this to truly happen, we need to make changes, and we need them now.

Well, according to our sources at What The Pup Is Up, the Knicks are closing in on a deal with Charlie, the brown, Zen Master dog in the middle:

Now, you probably are muttering to yourself, “What the pup is up!? A puppy can’t help the Knicks, can it?” Hold your horses, mister. Drafting is a skill. A skill that the Knicks clearly lack, and Charlie clearly has.

You see, about three years ago, Charlie was roughed up by some stray dogs in a dark alley. Just your typical News Channel 5 sad story of a pup in the wrong place at the wrong time. Scared for his life, Charlie realized he needed a team — some say, a gang — in case he were ever in this situation again.  Needless to say, he drafted those two puppies into his gang — err, team.

Within six months, his draft choices looked promising, but they were still getting bullied in dark alleys and out-fetched in puppy sports:

Within a year, his draft choices were gaining confidence:

Now, look at them and try not to be scared:

Holy Moly Mother of Pup. You see what I see? These pups were munchkins when Charlie first drafted them, and now they are like the Twin Towers of fur. The three just can’t be beat. Wanna play catch? Game over. Wanna get the newspaper for me? Already got it…and your neighbor’s too. Seriously, Charlie is a gem when it comes to drafting, and let’s pray that our sources are right, and the Knicks are making moves to ink this guy to a contract.

Snow masters us, dogs master snow. Are dogs OUR masters??


Yeah, there’s a blizzard going on right now.  Yeah, the blistering winds will crack your lips into a million pieces.  Flights have been canceled, highways have been closed.  Nobody wants to go outside, right? Right?? I mean, c’mon unless you’re going to cruise in your 4-wheel drive Range Rover with your seat warmers set on high and coffee in hand, you’re getting nowhere.

But you know what? Drop that “I hate snow” mentality. Put chains on your car’s wheels. Get that shovel out, and start making snow men. Hey, make a snow family. Go sledding. But, don’t, and I mean don’t bring your dog outside unless you want to be embarrassed. Why’s that?

Exhibit A:

Words aren’t even needed to explain why this is embarrassing.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but that snow-dog replica might rake you in a couple hundred thousand on eBay. That is a perfect snow dog.  I mean, if I spin in circles and then look at the photo quickly, I can’t tell which one is real and which one isn’t. Has that ever happened with a snowman? Have you ever stepped outside and greeted your neighbor’s snowman, to only realize later what a fool you were? Or have you ever called the cops because someone was “watching you” from outside, only to be cited for a false report about a snowman? The answer is a straight-up NO. But with this Picasso-esque masterpiece above, I can see myself yelling at that snowdog for hours for not fetching this morning’s paper. I’d probably go insane.

Exhibit B:

That’s right. This isn’t some conspiracy video that’s edited and uses weird camera angles and references graphs that don’t have numbers. No. Those dogs are sledding without sleds. What’s worse? They are dominating those slopes and are having more fun than humanely possible. I may have crossed a line there, saying humanely, but that’s my whole point.

Dogs have mastered snow. Snow has mastered us.

The Dog God


Do you believe in God?  If so, which one?  Zeus? Allah? Aphrodite? Moses? Plain old God?  That’s a lot of questions to wrap your mind around, but the point is this:  humans believe in a whole bunch of Gods.  Luckily dogs only believe in one. And his name is DMX.

DMX, also known as “Dog Man X,”  was not always the God of dogs.  In fact, “Dog Man” wasn’t even his name at birth.  He was born Earl Simmons.  Weak, I know.  It wasn’t until he decided to become a rapper (think singer without actually singing) that the transformation began.

The Dog God usually starts his songs with a growl.  It gets the creative juices flowing and reminds him that yes, he is in fact half dog. Here’s a video sample our field researchers managed to grab.  Fascinating stuff:

Uh oh.  Dog God Angry.  And if you needed any more evidence, watch this next video.  Its a little long (five minutes, give me a break), but the ending is worth it.  He tends to speak in the third person, but wouldn’t you do the same?

“The truth only means something, if the person listening understands it.”  I didn’t know that.  Thank you DMX.

Beethoven


Who is Beethoven?  Well, for starters, he was born in Bonn, Germany in 1770.  From a young age he appreciated music, and he worked diligently to become perhaps the greatest pianist of all time.  By 1800 Beethoven had mastered what he considered the two pinnacles of music : the string quartet and the symphony.

While he was strongly influenced by older pianists such as Mozart, Haydn, and Muzio Clementi, Beethoven’s sound was unique in the best of ways.  Rather tragically, he began to lose his hearing in 1796, and by 1803 was completely deaf.  This did not stop Beethoven from writing music, although it did make it difficult for him to perform in front of a live audience.  Beethoven died on March 26th, 1827 from liver failure. While many at the time considered his death to be the end of Beethoven, history has proven it to only be the beginning.  Confused?  Read on.

In 1992 photographed images of Beethoven began to surface.  At first there were skeptics.  Hadn’t he died 175 years earlier?  Was this some sort of sick joke?  Well, it turns out Beethoven never died.  Rather, he became a Saint Bernard and decided to star in his own movie.  Here’s the proof if you’re too young to remember:

No longer interested in piano, Beethoven spent most of his time eating and playing with his family.  He was a large dog and had a huge appetite for both food and fun.  After a successful yet incredibly stressful career as a world class composer and musical genius, he decided it was time to take it easy.  Who can blame him?

His movie was so successful that it was followed by five sequels.  And despite Saint Bernards’ average life expectancy of only 9-11 years,  at the age of 238 (1,665 in dog years) Beethoven starred in 2008’s award-winning straight to DVD film Beethoven’s Big Break:

Do you see what I see?  Beethoven had Puppies!!